I am getting a divorce.
That is the hardest sentence I think I have ever had to write. In my mind, it feels like failure. I don’t often get personal on this blog. I’ve shared my love story and our adoption story, but for the most part, I keep it full of rainbows and unicorns.
Divorce is not easy. Obviously. It is painful and you feel out of control – whether you initiate it or not. There are ups and downs. And when kids are involved, it can be full of guilt.
After 15 years of marriage, at the age of 36, I am learning to be alone. I have never been alone before. I went from my parents full house, to marriage and living with my husband. When we first separated I was terrified to be alone. I was constantly working to fill my time, to keep the loneliness at bay. I made mistakes and started down paths that were not me. Honestly, I started to spiral and was loosing control of who I was and who I envisioned myself to be. I’ve stepped on the breaks and now my goal is learning to be okay alone. To take time to be okay in my own head. To be okay not having plans to fill the weekend when I don’t have the kids. To handling running my own household and all the stressors that come along with it.
I don’t do well with change… so moving into my own place, learning to be ok alone, having my children only 50% of the time… it’s been challenging. I have good days and bad. I know eventually the good days will start to outweigh the bad. My goal right now is to do more of what makes me happy. I want to smile and enjoy life. I want to work on myself and become someone that I am proud of, that my children are proud of. I want to be authentic, open and honest with those that are important to me.
Right now, I am working on self love and care. Being patient with myself. We talk to ourselves more than any one else in this world, so I’m trying to stay positive and treating myself kindly, just like I would a friend or my child.
As a reminder of this goal, I created this “Do more of what makes you happy” print that I hung on the wall of my new place. It is in the living room, above where I keep my keys, so that I see it every.single.day. So if you’re going through a rough time or just need a simple reminder, you’re welcome to download and display this print in your own space.
“Do more of what makes you happy.” Printable Wall Art in PDF format
Personal use only. Do not alter.